Showdown: The First Season
by MacWriters Association
Summary: Mary Sue sporking! Voldemort starts a game show and kills off the losers, while a couple of misfits struggle to survive on the show and tensions arise between Voldemort and his daughters.
1. Easy Enough

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following story. Any likenesses to any actual Sues is purely coincidental. Kiera and Sarah are my creations from my individual account in a story called Some Want Him Dead.  
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"Ten Mary Sues. Three winners, who will either join a groun of Canon-Sues or join the Death Eaters, because everyone wants that, right? The others...well, we'll get to that later," Voldemort said over a magical magaphone while eight Mary Sues and two out-of-place looking girls sat nervously on the tables of the Great Hall. They had all been taken out of their time period and placed into the messed-up timeline of MWPP with some _creative_ amendments for the first season of _Mary Sue: The Ultimate Showdown_. "Now, let's introduce the contestants:

"Harmony something-something, her name is too long for me to remember. And she's American.  
Kiera McClaren, the Death Eater Werewolf. Sarah Hegstrom, another Death Eater who's a vampire.  
Lisemily Riddle--that's my daughter! Everybody cheer or die!" Everyone cheered, while another girl, sitting next to Lisemily, looked down sadly. This was her sister, Kinachiana, who didn't have the love of her father and had several bruises to show it.

"Chamoy Charredtree, foreign exchange student from Spain.  
Kalypso Dumbledore, Dumbledore's daughter with Mercheiftainess Murcus.  
Petra Perrigrew, Peter Pettigrew's long-lost twin.  
Apocalypse Prince, Snape's distant cousin and zombie.  
Serenity Okona, a mutant werewolf with the ability to control her powers.  
And, last but not least, Luna Lovegood, movie version of course."

A giant flying memo appeared in front of the contestants, who had been forced to sign a contract to be on the show. _Your challenge for today will be to tell us a little about yourself. Yes, that is it. An immunity winner will be decided by your host, Lord Voldemort. This person can not lose this challenge. Well, go on, someone stand up and talk..._

"Oh, okay, so you're not going to show us our accomodations first?" Sarah asked in annoyance.

"Oh, fine!" Voldemort grudgingly agreed, and instantly they were Apparated to a corridor leading to two bedrooms.

"Umm," said Serenity, "I think I should room with all the dangerous Sues, you know, to keep me in check when I turn into a werewolf."

Kiera rolled her eyes at the delicate Sue. "Somehow I douubt you could hurt a fly," she said, hardly arguable, with dried blood still running down her face and onto her tattered school uniform. The 'curse' (Or what she considered a gift) of lycanthroby was evident in her.

"Shut up!" Serenity shouted, shaking and on the brink of tears.

"Everyone, shut up!" Voldemort cried. "If you nincompoops can't decide, I'll just put you n rooms. Now, it'll be Sarah, Kiera, Apocalypse, Serenity, and Lisemily and in the other room there'll be Chamoy, Kalypso, Petra, Harmony and Luna. NOW CAN WE GET ON WITH THE CHALLENGE?"

All the Sues shrugged as if to say, _yeah, sure, whatever._

* * *

Back in the Great Hall, a podium was set up where the Sues would make their speeches. None of them thought it was that hard of a challenge, and Sarah and Kiera were eager to lose and go home, as they were intimidated by the others. Petra stood up first and went to the podium to speak. Her hair and eyes were both that generic muddy-brownish yellowy color and her features were unimpressive, but her author exxagerated everything about her so she was stunningly beautiful. 

"Hi, I'm Petra," she said. "As you all know, I'm Peter Pettigrew's sister, but I bet you didn't know I could turn into a shrew! I have all kinds of super powers, and James is in love with me because in my fic, he survived after Lily died. OK, that's it."

Everyone looked back and forth. Harmony stepped up to the podium next, taking it as a debate. "As my opponent stated, she pretty much pwns. Well, I too am an animagus. I turn into a hippogriff. And my author not only kills off characters, but uses extreme character bashing of the Weasleys. And I have nice hair, because I'm part Veela." She tossed her iredescent, cloud-blue hair and batted her sunset-colored eyes, swaying her anorexic-looking frame before she sat down.

Lisemily stepped up next. If Harmony was the most colorful Sue, Lisemily was definately second, with strawberry-blonde hair with blood-red streaks which was shoulder-length and mango-orange eyes that contrasted with her ivory skin. Her build was tall and busty, and her features were kind. "Um...I'm Lisemily, and I'm Voldemort's daughter. I have the love of my father, but he abuses my little sister, so I have to be her support system, and I really resent his actions, but he refuses to hear my words. So thanks, Dad, for giving me everything I didn't even want in the first place," she said.

Next Chamoy began to speak. "Hola, me llamo Chamoy y soy de Espana," she began. "Hablo espanol y me gusta mucho cantar porque puedo cantar como un pajaro o un angelito. Todos los muchachos guapos les gusto," she said, hoping that her author had spelled everything right as she walked off the stage, her raven hair flowing back and forth across her neck while all the males stared in awe at her extremely short shorts.

Apocalypse was next. Her skin was the color of snow, but not the new white kind, though not the old, brownish kind either, but the kind that had been trodden on once or twice so that it was a perfect balance of white and grey. Both her narrowed eyes and swirling hair were the color of a black oblivion. She grabbed the mocrophone and began to rap...

"I'm an emo kid, nonconformist as can be  
You'd be nonconformist too if you looked jjust like me  
I've got paint on my nails and makeup on my face  
I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs  
Cause I feel so deep when I'm dressing in drag  
I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag  
Cause our dudes look like chicks and our chicks look like dykes  
Because emo is one step below transvestite!  
Stop my breathing and slit my throat, I must be emo  
I don't jump around when I go to shows, I must be emo."

While everyone was crying over Apocalypse's angst, Kiera stepped up, looking rather uninpressive, a school uniform sagging over her small frame, covered in blood. Her eyes were open wide as if she'd consumed too much caffene, and her short, espresso hair was unkempt as can be. "Um, there's not much I can say that will work to my advantage," she said, "So I'll just say this: I'm a Death Eater and an author insertion."

Crickets chirped in the background as Sarah stepped up, and they continued chirping through her speech. Her long, blonde hair had black tips and looked unwashed, and too much eyeliner camouflaged the sleepiness in her blue eyes. "I'm Sarah, and I;m a vampire. Good enough for ya?"

Kiera laughed inappropriately as she often did. Kalypso, Serenity, and Luna got up on the stage at the same time to save time. The camera zoomed in on all their Sueish features, while instead of talking, they did an interpretive dance of some sort of struggle to power and the Rotfang Conspiracy. "Alright, people, I've decided the immunity winner is Apocalypse, because she was really angsty and rapped. Meet me at the roof of the Astronamy tower for the voting ceremony.

* * *

"Alright ladies, all you need to do is vote for the person you want out of the show on a piece of paper, and put it in this fuzzy pink bunny slipper," Voldemort explained. After each Sue had voted, he tallied up the votes. "Alright, one vote Sarah. Harmony. Petra. Petra. Serenity. Petra. I like cheese." Kiera laughed: that was her vote. "Nobody gurl, I guess you mean Petra--Kiera, Hermony, Petra. Petra, you're out of here!"

"What? Why?" Petra asked, but Voldemort had already grabbed her, kicking and screaming, and thrown her off the roof to her doom. EVeryone gasped, some with greif for Petra, some worrying for their own lives. Only one thing was certain. It was Sue or be killed.

* * *

A/N: OK, this is my other gameshow, by special request of Adri, who had better review this or else! JK LOL

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	2. Teamwork Challenge

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following story. Except Sarah and Kiera, those two are definately mine.**

"I don't want to die!" Sarah cried into a pen-sized camera. Despite his hatred for Muggles, Voldemort had provided each contestant with a tiny, high-tech camera. "That's why I became a Death Eater in the first place!" she continued. "WAAA! I'm scared!"

"I wish we didn't have to be so mean," Harmony said, her huge eyes dominating her face, but in a cute way, not so psycho like Kiera's. "But Sarah and Kiera have got to go. They're obviously tramps and are blocking the way of the more deserving Sues. I'll stop them if my name isn't Harmony Butterfly W--"

"SHUT UP!" Apocalypse screamed, throwing at Harmony a bloody knife that she had just used to cut herself. "I'm trying to angst here!"

"Girls, it's time for your next challenge," Voldemort said, opening the door when Kalypso had not yet gotten dressed. The magenta fins on her outer thighs and spine, plus the ones where human ears go, perked up in mock embarrasment, as her violet eyes lit up and she tossed her snowy silver hair.

"Oh, Voldemort," she said, wrapping herself in silken ribbons to cover herself, "I didn't know you'd be here so soon. Well, come on in." Chamoy was glaring daggers at her.

"Ummm, okay then," Voldemort said. "I'm going to apparate each of you to a location in pairs, and then you'll have to use teamwork to get out of a sticky situation. That's why it's called the 'Teamwork Challenge'!" Without another word to the confused contestants, he snapped his fingers and sent them away.

* * *

Sarah, Lisemily, and Serenity, since there were an odd number of Sues, found themselves inside a video game. "Has Voldemort lost his mind?" Serenity screamed, barely dodging a robot zombie. She pulled at her golden wheat hair nervously, shuddering beautifully. 

"I've faced pretty much every evil thing imaginable, including Dad, but I've never seen anything so creepy and two-dimensional!" Lisemily exclaimed.

"I've played this game before!" Sarah exclaimed. Being the author of this fic's best friend, she knew all about video games. "We have to get to the end of the level, get points, and win the game without expending our 3 lives."

"Or we could do this," Lisemily stated, and used her Sueish powers to poof them out into the real world.

* * *

The Hogwarts Express was on fire, and Kalypso and Chamoy were trapped inside. It was just like Anastasia, except not so cartoonish. Kalypso wasn't the least bit worried. "I think Voldemort is coming onto me," she said dreamily, her elfin features arranging themselves into a peaceful smile. Chamoy shuddered with jealousy. 

"Puta!" she shouted, throwing Kalypso out the window into the snow, and then hopping out herself as she remembered that the train was on fire.

* * *

"I think Voldemort forgot out challenge," Luna said, looking around as if she'd appeared in the empty room by accident. "I don't see anything potentially threatening. Then again, evidence of the Rotfang Conspiracy can be hard to trace..." 

Canon-Sue Ginny skipped into the room, humming. "Hey guys," she said sweetly. "'Sup?"

"CRUCIO!" Harmony screeched, pointing her magical baton at Ginny, who writhed in pain and shed a beautiful tear. As the curse finally ended, she dared not move.

"What was that for?" Luna asked in horror, eyes wide with fear.

"That was the challenge," Harmony responded, seemingly oblivious to her own evil, for beneath her Sueish glory, she was really just a sick fanfiction author who was racist and enjoyed character bashing way too much.

"I'm definately voting you out!"

"Ha! I've probably won immunity!"

* * *

Kiera and Apocalypse were walking through the Dark Forest, getting muddy and complaining and such. "Don't you ever angst and cut yourself?" Apocalypse asked. 

"No, not really," Kiera answered. "I used to think about it, just as a defense against people who cared about me but I didn't like, but then I realized no one would care, so now I live happily in my own personal exile of my mind." She widened her eyes and smiled maniacally.

"I see," Apocalypse droned. Just then, a huge Dementor swooped in. "I guess this is our challenge. Well, you're not very scary at all, are you?"

Kiera, on the other hand, was very scared. "Expecto patronum!" she bellowed, holding her wand up to the thing. Nothing happened. "Expecto patronum!" she repeated. Still nothing. An expression of fear froze on her face as she began to lose conciousness...

"Get behind me!" Apocalypse shouted, stepping in front of Kiera and glaring at the Dementor, which self-destructed. "Get up," she commanded Kiera, pulling her up. Of course, Apocalypse had healing powers, so Kiera felt alright in no time.

"How did you do that?" she asked, completely bewildered. Apocalypse coldly stared into space.

"I'm a zombie. I have no soul."

The voting ceremony commenced on the roof of the Astronamy tower, just as it had the previous day. Apocalypse had won immunity for her triumphant saving of Kiera's life, much to Harmony's dismay. As soon as everyone had put their vote into the pink slipper, Voldemort tallied the votes. "One vote Kiera. Serenity. Kiera. Harmony. Sarah. Luna. Kiera. Lisemily. Kiera. Looks like the next to die is Kiera!"

"Ha! You lose!" Harmony exclaimed, jumping up and down, her pale blue hair bouncing and shimmering in the light. Kiera looked around, completely devastated. Her only hope was some sort of miracle. Voldemort poked her gently, causing her to lose her balance and go plummeting to her immenent doom...

* * *

A/N: Kiera is my insertion, which, for people who know me, you know a weird twist is coming. Review! 


	3. The Extremely Unlikely Circumstance

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise.**

Kiera continued screaming throughout her downward descent. She was scared for her life and battered by the strong winds. More than once, she collided with the wall of the tower. It was a wonder that someone was able to ignire her screams and remain in the vicinity as she prayed for a miracle... "Oof!" came a grunt of someone she had landed on, breaking her fall. Her caffinated eyes widened to the extreme as she realized who it was:

"Fenrir!" she cried happily. "I didn't know I'd run into you in this timeline!"

"Yeah. pretty messed up, isn't it?" Fenrir agreed. "Hey, don't I know you?"

Kiera jumped up and down with delight. "Yes, remember? December 5th, I was that one girl you attacked!" Fenrir looked up at the sky, recalling the fond memories: she'd been a squirmy little one, but rather delicious..."Let's shag," Kiera suddenly decided.

"But I hardly know you," he protested, "And besides, you're the one on that Mary Sue show. I'm supposed to ask you."

"Would you have asked?" Kiera wondered aloud.

"No," Fenrir admitted. _No matter,_ Kiera thought, seeing fit to pin the protesting Fenrir to the ground and begin to remove his clothes. "You maniac! What are you--" he fell silent as the camera angle shifted as to not disturb the little children, so that the television viewers were looking at the Whomping Willow whilst hearing screams of pleasure. Then, the angle shifted to the Astronomy Tower, where someone stood, preparing to jump.

"Oh my gosh! You survived!" Apocalypse shouted. "You can get back on the show if you want. I'm jumping off this bloody building!"

"Apocalypse, don't jump!" Kiera shouted back, covering herself with scraps of clothing.. "You saved my life! You're worth a lot to mankind and you deserve to live!"

"I'm so angsty and depressed and I'm going to finally end it!" Apocalypse argued, and before Kiera could present further reasoning, Apocalypse had jumped and splattered onto the ground below.

"What a shame," Fenrir muttered sarcastically, "Can I take her shoes? I'm taking her shoes...cheap present for Bellatrix's birthday party..."

Kiera shuddered at the thought of going back onto the show, but, despite plotholes, she had to. "Promise me you'll find me in the future," she pleaded, hugging Fenrir. "And when the show is over and the timeline straightens out, don't forget to stop by my neighborhood and bite me." She hurried back up the steps of the tower, still wearing his jacket, just as he was still wearing her thong.

"Kiera! You're okay!" Sarah cried, glomping Kiera as she reached the dorm. "We were all so worried about you!" The rest of the Sues scowled. "Well, I was at least. Come and have a martini."

Kiera strode to the window. "I have to do something first," she explained. Pointing her pen-camera, which was somehow unbroken, out the window, she started filming and said, "I've just bizzarely survived this show, but the body count is still two. Apocalypse Prince has saved my life and my position on this show. May she rest in peace in...well...wherever dead characters go."

"It was what she always wanted," Kinachiana commented, bringing her sister some pillows and sitting down to tend to the wounds inflicted on her by Voldemort's abuse. "The effing emo."

"Chia, that's not nice," Lisemily repremanded, sweeping her pinkish blonde hair out of her face. "The people on this show are risking their lives, and though it's horrible, what Apocalypse did was very noble. I would personally sacrifice my life for anyone on this show."

"Well, just don't, okay?" Kinachiana said, opening a scroll: her plans for world domination. She never did understand why her sister was so nice, being Voldemort's daughter and all, but it was good to have someone to turn to.

* * *

A/N: DEATH CLUEZ! Try to find the death clue in this chapter! It's not really a good one, but you'll recognise it later. REVIEW! 


	4. I Can't Believe It's Not A Challenge

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following story, except Kiera and Sarah. All other Sues are likenesses of Sues, even though I said it was coincidental, but hey, I don't want 'em. And of course, Harry Potter belongs to JKR.**

"Thanks for agreeing to take a walk with me," Serenity said serenely to Kiera as they walked down a little path. Kiera was acting twitchy and annoyed. "I love to get fresh air, but I'm always afraid that I might hurt someone, y'know, since I'm a werewolf."

"Really? I find biting and contaminating people to be quite a pleasure," Kiera said. "That's what's nice about being a Death Eater. You don't have to be nice."

"Well, why wouldn't you want to?" Serenity asked. Kiera was about to say something, but was cut off by the shouting of an angry mob led by Harmony, including the Marauders, Lily Evans, Narcissa Black, and several pointless extras that were more props than characters.

"TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WE AIN'T GONNA INTEGRATE!" they chanted repeatedly.

"What the heck is going on?" Kiera shouted over the racket.

"You're werewolves, we don't like werewolves, so we're not letting you in," Harmony calmly explained, tossing her blue hair and waving a sequined picket sign.

"What are we going to do?" Serenity gasped, tears welling up in her violet eyes as she pulled on her ripened wheat hair in distress.

"We have to fight them," Kiera told her. Serenity let out a small gasp.

"I can't just hurt innocent people!"

"Would you do it for a friend?" Kiera asked, readying for battle. Serenity flashed a small smile as Kiera said, "C'mon, I've got your back."

"Ditto," Serenity said, Standing back to back and beckoning with one hand, the girls were soon engaged in a graphic multifight reminiscent of the time Neo fought all those Agent Smiths. Parts of the battle unfolded in slow motion, and soon, Kiera and Serenity had made it into Hogwarts and shut the gates behind them, scuttying back up to the Sue living room.

"Hey guys," Lisemily said, quickly hiding a life-sized cardboard thingy that looked like Harry Potter. "Have you seen my dad anywhere?" Both of the werewolves shook their heads. "Me neither. Oh, crap, I've lost my dad!"

"But that means I've lost my boss!" Sarah exclaimed with concern, nearly spilling her soda.

"Then get off the couch and look for him, fatty!" Kalypso said, changing the channel on the TV to HBO. Sarah, who was relatively average-sized, took offense to the statement.

"I am not fat! Take that back!" she demanded, grabbing Kalypso and sending the two of them hurdling to the floor, where they wrestled until the rolling scuffle bumped into the closet door, which gave a small scream. Suspicious, Sarah wrenched it open, revealing Chamoy and Voldemort, barely dressed and snogging.

"This isn't what it looks like," Voldemort began, but Lisemily's mind-reading power sprang into action.

"Yes it is!" she announced to the other contestants, "You've been having an affair with Chamoy ever since the beginning of the show. She's asked you to eliminate Sarah and Serenity. Daddy, how could you?" she cried, beautifully shedding a diamond tear. Kinachiana, on the other hand, was filing her nails with indifference: after all, she had Bellatrix as a non-shameful parent, but Sarah was infuriated. She grabbed Chamoy by the feet and began to drag her up the stairs to the Astronomy tower.

"No! No es la verdad!" Chamoy pleaded. "No quiero morir!" Sarah neither cared about nor understood Chamoy's pleas, and it was with great satisfaction that she threw her victim, screaming in a foreign language, off the roof of the Astronomy Tower.

When she reached the living room again, it was full of Aurors. "Kiera McClaren, you are under arrest," Mad-Eye Moody was saying to Kiera.

"What would be the charges?" she asked, struggling angrily against the two Aurors holding her back. "And do you have any proof?"

"You've been turned in by Serenity for the alleged rape of one Fenrir Greyback."

Kiera scowled, trying to think of an excuse. "Oh, come on, this is a Suefic!" she said, "Rape is a good plot device."

"Only when you're the victim," Moody said, then turned to the other Aurors. "Take her to Azkaban."

As Kiera was marched off by the Aurors, Voldemort glanced around with the confusion: he was without his wand and in clear view, so why hadn't the Aurors arrested him, too? "I feel so un-special," he muttered sadly.

* * *

A/N: Can you believe it wasn't a challenge? I can! Then again, I wrote it... REVIEW! 


	5. Talent Show

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following story that you recognise from any existing fandom.**

"Dun dun, dun dun dun, dun, dun dun..." Kiera quietly hummed her own spy music as she grasped onto the cieling of her Azkaban cell like a secret agent. Sure, she hadn't recieved a life sentence, but it was fun to try to escape, anyway. She normally would have used her own, disastrous brand of Wingardium Leviosa to blow up the prison, but she didn't have her wand--though what she did have was dental floss. She inched her way out the window, tying the floss to one of the bars as she began to climb down. Just then, a Dementor rounded the corner. Thinking quickly, she withdrew a rubber glove from her pocket and threw it at the Dementor, knocking him unconcious. Unfortunately, at that point the floss broke and she fall to the ground with a painful SMACK and then got chased by robotic vampires all the way back to the set of the show.

"Ladies, as you know, no cliched, stereotypical game show would be complete without a talent show, so that's exactly what we're going to do," Voldemort was explaining. "You have twenty minutes to prepare." The Sues frantically scattered around, trying to figure out what they would do. Sarah shoved a book into Kiera's hands.

"Lisemily helped me translate Chamoy's diary," she explained. "She was going to sing 'Besame Mucho' for the talent show, because Voldemort told her about it, but she's dead, so you can do it. Memorize these lyrics now!"

"But what are you going to do?" Kiera asked. Sarah smirked as if to say, _you'll see._

* * *

After twenty minutes, everyone was prepared and in the Great Hall. Voldemort called the first act up: it was Luna. "For my act, I'm going to summon a cumple-horned snorlack," she announced. She stepped away from the microphone and muttered a few words in latin. Nothing happened, and crickets sounded in the background. Voldemort shook his head and called Sarah to the stage. 

She wore more makeup than a circus performer, but her goal was not to look ridiculous, which she didn't, but to make her skin look flawless, her cheeks rosy and her lips bloodred--she could have passed as a Mary Sue, especially with her circulation-ceasing corset and fishnet attire, which she'd stolen from the late Apocalypse and Chamoy. Her hair, full of all sorts of styling products, fell in loose, black-tipped curls. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm...existing," Sarah said, knowing that a Mary Sue's presence was more amazing than the most amazing thing any mortal girl could do. The other Sues remained unconvinced, but the audience went wild. She gave Kiera the thumbs-up as she sat down.

Next up was Kalypso. "Um...okay...I'm not sure what to do because I have so many talents, so I guess I'll do this," she said modestly. She stood still and closed her eyes, and wind began to blow through the Great Hall, Kalypso's magenta fins and silver cascading hair flowing in the gusting breeze. Then, suddenly, the entire audience was in their underwear (except the contestants and Voldemort.) "And that's how to really picture the audience in their underwear. Thank you."

Harmony stood up on the stage, shooting Kiera an alluringly dirty look. "Even though I don't like foriegners, I decided to sing this song because it conveys the angst in my heart," she said, not realizing that she was, in fact, about to sing a love song that she thought was angsty because she didn't understand it. The lights dimmed, and her flowing ballgown swept the floor as she danced, singing, "Besame, besame mucho...como se fuera esta noche la ultima vez..."

Kiera stared, wide eyed. "That's what I was going to do!" she angrily hissed. Shen the song finally ended, Kiera stepped up to the stage, hot with anger and jealousy: that is, until she remembered what day it was. "For my act, I'll need Serenity to help me," she said. Serenity gracefully walked up to the stage beside her, and before she knew it, Kiera stuck her in the buttock with a hypodermic.

"What was that for?" Serenity squealed.

"It cancels the effects of Wolfsbane," Kiera explained: for what she was planning, she needed Serenity in her insane form. As the sky darkened over the next few minutes, they stood and did nothing, but as the full moon rose, they began to transform. Kiera was laughing, Serenity was screaming with angst, and the audience was cringing in distaste. The stage was no longer inhabited by two girls, but a gleaming golden wolf and a dingy brown one. The brown wolf lunged toward Harmony, and, by instinct, the gold one followed, both of them tearing at the helpless Sue until she struggled no more.

"Ugh, gross, canibalism," Sarah sarcastically droned in response to the screaming around her. Only scattered remains were left of the girl who had plagued the fanfiction world. "What a shame, she almost had a chance at surviving the show."

"What a mess," Voldemort muttered.

"I can clean it!" Lisemily piped up. Usually she would have mourned for Harmony, but as nobody cared and the audience had started to cheer, who was she to ruin the happiness of all those people? "Cleaning is my talent!"

"Whatever, dear," Voldemort said, muttering under his breath, "My contestant is splattered all over the floor. As entertaining as it is, why couldn't it have been Kinachiana?"

Lisemily conjured up a diamond-encrusted broom and dustpan. She was appropriately wearing a crisp white apron over a french maid dress and a little hat above her hair that shimmeded like autmn leaves, even though autmn leaves don't shimmer. "Come, my animal friends!" she said in a hypnotising, singsong voice, summoning deer and squirrels from the forest. As she sang and swept and mopped, the animals gathered scraps of rubbish and threw them out the windows, and soon the place was spotless. She stood in the center of the hall, beaming amongst her furry friends.

"By far the best act tonight," Voldemort said, congratulating his daughter. "Unfortunately, someone has already died, so there's no need for voting."

Everyone went back to the dorm in a flurry of chatter and shuffling feet. Sarah, however, stayed behind, waiting for Kiera: it was a dangerous business, trying to socialise with a werewolf, but after making it this far on a life-or-death game show, she felt like she could do anything.

* * *

A/N: Adri, I dislike Harmony too. Review, pplz! 


	6. Seduce the Producer

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise.  
**

Kiera was bouncing off the walls after eating various packs of various sweets which were reacting violently with Harmony's internal organs, which were slowly being digested. Serenity was vomiting, trying to get the human flesh out of her system. Everyone else was bored. "Ugh, this is so stupid. We haven't done anything remotely canon, unless you count Harmony tortuting Ginny," Luna groaned in boredom.

"I know, it stinks that I can't hang out with boys," Kalypso said, even though there were several boys on the ground a few floors down singing and reciting poems to her.

"Well, then, are you in luck!" Voldemort exclaimed, barging through the door. "Today's challenge lets you flirt and so something remotely related to your roles in Mary Sue fiction!"

"What are we doing?" Sarah asked unenthusiastically, stepping out of the bathroom, which she'd just been in dyeing the tips of her hair black.

"All those products are going to give you split ends," Voldemort commented. "Today, your challenge is, SEDUCE THE PRODUCER! Starring you Sues and the Showdown producer, Remus Lupin!"

All the Sues groaned in dussapiontmentexcept for Serenity. "Ugh, why couldn't we get someone easier, like Sirius? He can't form a sentence with a Mary Sue in the vicinity!" Lismily complained as Voldemort led them down the stairs to the Great Hall.

"I know you'll do just fine, sweety," Voldemort said encouragingly. "The challenge is simple, really," he explained, "The Sue who goes the furthest with him wins."

"But...won't he notice that everyone's flirting with him?" Luna asked. "He might blame it on the rotfang conspiracy!" Voldemort rolled his eyes at the mention of the only one of Luna's insane theories that the author actually knew. He pushed her forward as to indicate that she was first.

"Um...hi," she said uncertainly, sitting next to Remus. "So...the weather is nice."

"Do I know you?" he asked.

"Not really," she said. "Sooo...what about this government? Crazy, eh?" No response. Feeling intimidated, she went back to the group and let Sarah take her place.

Slowly inching toward her target, she struggled to think up a strategy. Soon enough, the two of them were engaged in a political debate, and Sarah was marching off in a huff, while the Sues watched in amusement. "Yeah, sure, while we're at it, let's elect Voldemort for Prime Minister!" she shouted sarcastically from the crowd. "Jeez, that guy had no debating skills."

"No, Sarah, I heard the dabate with my uber-sharp werewolf hearing," Serenity said. "All your facts were wrong."

"Hey, how come I don't have sharp hearing in human form?" Kiera complained. Her jaw dropped when she discovered that Kalypso had already begun her seducing of Remus, and they were already snogging violently. "Were-fish children," she giggled under her breath.

Lisemily's act was perhaps the most interesting so far. Sitting next to her victim, she quietly whispered, "Although I'm against my father's evil ways, I will be forced to mercilessly slaughter you, ressurect you, and then let the death Eaters torture you until you die again unless you kiss me. Now." Of course she was bluffing, but needless to say, it worked. Feeling like she'd taken the gold, she walked back over to the group of Sues. Kiera stepped forward next, and since this episode wasn't taped live, an announcement flashed at the bottom of the TV screenL

**Warning: the following contains scenes of physical violence. Moony fangirls, prepare to be mortally offended. No werewolves were permanently harmed in the making of this show. The opinions expressed are those of the contestants and in no way represent Voldemort or the author.  
**

Well, as can be expected, everything went fine, and soon Kiera was in Remus's arms. They hadn't snogged or anything, they were just talking. "A bunch of freaks are taking an interest in me," Remus began, while Kiera giggled at the Secret of the Sues. "None of them seem to understand. One of them gave me a death threat. Scratch that, two death threats."

"I know exactlly how you feel," Kiera said, trying to keep herself from vomiting as she choked on the words: "I too suffer the curse of lycanthropy."

"I think we should pursue this relationship further," he suggested.

That's when Kiera slipped into her old habit of totally losing it at a crucial time. She was still using her fake sensual voice when she sputtered, "Well, I don't know. I already have a pussy, so I don't need another one."

"What?"

"That's right. Would you like to know what I think of you?" she continued, "You're weak. You're pathetic. If you ever take human prey, it'll be an accident and you'll angst about it for your whole life like the wuss you are!"

"Kiera, wait," he insisted, grabbing her hand as she stood up to leave. Rather than snapping back, she pulled him closer--and dealt him a punch in the face, then wracked him until he fell to the ground, then kicked his head and walked off. The other contestants and Voldemort gawked, wide-eyed at her act of unprovoked violence.

"Clearly you're insane," Serenity snapped. "Or maybe you're just PMSing, but after the full moon instead of before your menstrual cycle. Whatever, you're a psycho!" She rushed over to remus's aid. "It's okay," she assured, "The psycho girl is gone now." She helped him up as he used his robes to stop the bloodflow out of his nose. "It's so horrible that people will do that. I totally understand you, because I'm a werewolf too."

"AAAAUUGH!" he screamed in fear, running away as fast as his legs would take him. "You girls scare me! I'm getting back together with Sirius!" Serenity glared daggera at Kiera.

"Alrighty then" Voldemort said uncertainly, "I'm not sure what just happened there. Lisemily has won immunity annd now we'll go to the tower and vote."

"Bogus!" Kalypso said into the camera. "I did better than her, I'm a better kisser and I didn't have to threaten him with death and painful torture!"

"But you bored us all to death," Voldemort muttered, Apparating everyine to the top of the tower. Everyone seemed certain of who they wanted to vote out, so the votes were put into the slipper rather quickly. Voldemort read out the votes with satisfaction: "Serenity. Serenity. Serenity. Kiera. Serenity. Serenity. Well, that's to be expected, since our dear producer ran off the set from her. Bye bye." Before Serenity could protest, she was swiftly knocked off the roof. "Well, that's all for now, folks," Voldemort said, "Until we find our producer, I'm afraid we can't film anything, but stay tuned in for the commercials. They fund us, you know. The current corpse count is four. Bye."

Theme music began to play as the Sues walked back to the dorm, thankful for the oppurtunity to rest and not die.

* * *

A.N: Kind of a quickie update. I have it pretty much predetermined, but if you want to vote for your favorite Sue, you can.

**  
**


	7. The Sue Life

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Star Trek. Oh and Adri, Kinachiana isn't a contestant, she just hangs around on the set. If you don't get it, it's sorta partially adapted from Some Want Him Dead, a dic I wrote on my (MacHija's) regular account, s4ltv1n3g4r.  
**

"I wonder if we'll ever get our producer back," Lisemily wondered aloud into her tiny camera. "It wouldn't be so bad if we got a replacement, since we haven't filmed in a month, but Remus was the best for the job, I think."

Sarah was attemping to rap, but to no avail. "I be rappin', I be zappin', I be happen'...ing..."

"Ibiprophen," Kiera moaned as she stumbled into the room, clutching her head and flopping onto the sofa. Her robes were in tatters and she was covered in the blood of unknown entities. "Ugh, stupid moon."

"I thought you loved transforming," Sarah commented.

"Yeah, but guess what _other_ time of the month it is," Kiera snapped, cringing in pain of the couch.

"EVERYONE WAKE UP!" someone shouted, blasting the door open with magic. the Sues recognised the crazed features of Bellatrix Black. Even in her student years, seemed psychotic. "The Dark Lord has just made me producer of this bloody show and says I can run it today." She looked around at the Sues, who were afraid to move, even though they never showed this fear toward Voldemort. Kiera and Sarah, however, were gawking at their temporary game show host, on the verge of drooling.

"You have one of those stupid challenges today," Bellatrix commented, walking out of the room. "Bring me some camera footage of the most interesting thing that happens to you on a daily basis. Bye. And if you bother me while I'm trying to torment the rest of the student body, you'll be tortured."

* * *

"This shouldn't be all that hard," Sarah said, trying to work her tiny camera. "Hello, I'm Sarah," she said into the lens. "And these are the interesting things I do on a daily basis. Usually I dye the tips of my hair black, then I take my medicine, and then I angst. I stay out of the sun all day because I'm a vampire, and although I pride myself on being angsty, I'm afraid to die." She captured footage of herself cutting her wrists over the Dark Mark. "See how angsty I am? I'm angsting about being a Death Eater and stuff. Then I go flirt with people." The clip flashed to her trying to flirt with Lily Evans, who rolled her eyes and turned away. "Then I eat food, go to class, and all that stuff. Kiera will undoubtedly do something to get us in trouble, and I'll follow along, and then the fic progresses into insanity. THE END!"

* * *

"Hello, I'm Lisemily Riddle, and this is my interesting life," Lisemily said into the camera, batting her mango colored eyes that sparkled like orange diamonds. "I was sent to Hogwarts by my father, Voldemort, to destroy Harry Potter, because frankly, dear Daddykins is totally incapable." She flashed the camera toward Harry Potter. "Hi Harry, I have to destroy you, but I really don't want to," she told him. "I have a Dark Secret that haunts me and you need to know: I'm Voldemort's daughter!" 

"I don't care," Harry said, taking her into his arms, "You're so beautiful and smart and nice and I love you! Let's run away together and get married!"

"Oh, Harry! I love you too, and now the power of true love has done some stuff so now I don't have to destroy you!" Lisemily squealed happily. Gagging sounds were made in the background. Lisemily turned the camera toward Kinachiana, who was making faces at her and her lover. "That's my sister, Kinachiana," Lisemily explained. "Voldemort abuses her, so she depends on me for support and stuff." She then continued the interesting process of making out with Harry, and then turned the camera off.

* * *

"Hi, I'm Kalypso," Kalypso said into the camera, sensually flashing her flowing fins. "My life is very interesting: hundreds of guys fall for me, I'm part mermaid, and I wear really revealing clothing, but perhaps the most interesting aspect of my life is when I was concieved." She digitally edited and inserted a clip of Dumbledore and Merchieftainess Murcus, doing things that were thought to be physically impossible. Moaning and groaning could be heard on the footage. Kalypso smiled and beamed at her erotic video clip.

* * *

"The Crumple-Horned Snorlack, native to this area, can be a tricky catch, but nothing is impossible for Luna Lovegood! Dun, dun, dun dun..." Luna seemed to be taking after Kiera, acting like a secret agent as she zoomed the focus of the camera lens in and out in the snowy hills. "What was that?" she asked in a low whisper as something moved through the snow. "There he is!" She cast a net out of her NetLauncher 3000, and, running to the net, realized that she had caught... 

...An alligator.

"Aaaahhhh!" Luna screamed, tucking her camera in her pocket and running as fast as she could, hands above her head in panic, her flowy blonde hair flowing behind her. Even when running for her life _and_ trying to prove her farfetched theories, she was sickeningly OOC.

* * *

Kiera positioned her camera on a cart she was pushing. She was wearing a red corset over a lacy dress, and had actually combed her hair for once. "Hi, I'm Kiera," she whispered as she entered a classroom, "My interesting thingy is I sell drugs. Silver alloy to be precise. It lets you keep your human form if you're about to transform into something, but you still go insane. And it's a terribly stupid excuse to get high." 

"Hello, Miss McClaren," Professor Slughorn said, "Is this the You-Know-What?"

"Oh, you don't have to be all quiet about it," Kiera insisted, "I can get away with anything. She started to hand him some bags, but he grabbed her and kissed her feircely, slipping her a few bank notes, which she tucked into the front of her top against the padding of socks she was using to enhance her figure. All the students gawked, but the two didn't mind, and Kiera left to go skive off of class.

"Now I'm going to skip class," she told the camera, "To go shag my boyfriend, Remus Lupin." Anyone who knew Kiera would have died of shock by now, but audiences went wild and ratings skyrocketed at Kiera's sudden and unexpected behavior. Many viewers were bored, however, because they'd seen millions of werewolf!Sues with Remus, and Kiera with Fenrir was more exciting. "Hi Remus!"

"Hi Kiera!" he replied, "Hurry up and close the door!" Kiera closed the door and turned off her cameda, and then, seemingly for no apparent reason, said, "Computer, end program." The halls, students, Remus, Slughorn, and everything else disappeared, leaving Kiera in a black room with a yellow grid on its floor and walls. She exited the room and looked around at her surroundings of a Romulan spacecraft. A half-Romulan Mary Sue greeted her. "Minda!" Kiera squealed, "Thanks so much for letting me use your holodeck!"

"No problem," Minda said, giving her werewolf counterpart a hug, as they were both insertions of the same person. "I'll never be nearly as good at holodeck programming as Reginald Barclay, but it seems as though I've helped."

"Greetings, ladies," said an approaching Professor Moriarty. Kiera smacked herself in the head.

"We're still in the holodeck, aren't we?" she asked. Minda nodded. The entire Star Trek episode was spent defeating Moriarty and getting out of the holodeck-within-a-holodeck and getting Kiera back to Earth, where the rest of the Mary Sue: The Ultimate Showdown episode would be spent voting.

* * *

Upon analyzing the footage, Bellatrix frowned at Kiera, probing her mind with Legilimancy. A poor Occlumens, Kiera could do nothing to stop her. "Treachery, deciet, trickery, cheating..." Bellatrix droned. "I should just torture you, but I like the way you think. You win immunity. But just for fun, _CRUCIO!_" 

Kiera fell to the floor, screaming and writhing in pain, as the other Sues scowled and argued that she wasn't a real Sue. Nonetheless, once Bellatrix was done torturing Kiera, the voting commenced, and the votes were as following: Sarah, Luna, Kalypso, Kalypso, Cheese (obviously the latter had been Kiera's vote.)

"Kali...is it okay of I call you Kali?" Bellatrix asked in a low whisper. "Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I'm going to let you live. No offense though, but your tape was kind of gross."

"Really?" Kalypso asked with jubilation. "Wait, what's the catch?"

Bellatrix smiled evilly. "CRUCIO!" she shouted, pointing her wand at Kalypso, who writhed in pain and let out a scream every once in a while in a flurry of limbs and fins. Though it took a long time considering that Kalypso was a Mary Sue and therefore somewhat resistant to Unforgivable Curses, Bellatrix eventually Crucio'd her until she was in the same state as Neville's parents. As the contestants and loopy Kalypso watched her authoratively walk out of the room, she blew up a couple of camera men and pointed her wand out the window to set the Dark Mark into the sky.

* * *

A/N: Thanks so much to my wonderful reviewers. I'm glad you seem to think this is hilarious, and I'll see you next time on the Show with a Name So Long I Don't Want To Type it Again. 


	8. The Gushy Sacrifice For Love

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other published universe that may appear in this fic.**

The last episode had been a fiasco. Voldemort was rather furious, as he'd expected Bellatrix to have killed Kiera for mixing with Space-Mudbloods. He slapped himself in the head, wondering how he'd ever allowed her to be a Death Eater. He had gathered the four remaining Sues in the Great Hall. "Your mission for today is to go to the random dance," Voldemort said. "Dumbledore has, once again, called for a pointless dance, this time in my honor, but I'm not all that excited. You have half an hour to get dressed, get a date, and get to the dance."

"Could there be a more overused game show event?" Kiera asked. "It's in every Mary Sue gameshow out there!"

Voldemort glared at her. "Do you think I care?" he drawled. "Get out of my sight, all of you."

Sarah raced to her dorm, frantic to find a ball gown. "Ugh, this isn't enough time, and I've got camera guys following me everywhere!" she complained. Digging out a tattered black dress that liiked very much like something a vampire would wear, she slipped it on and proceeded to do her hair and make-up. It took her twenty minutes to get her hair and makup as it had been on the talent show, even with the use of extensive magic. Realizing she had no time to make anyone fall in love with her for real, she ran out of her room and screamed "Imperio!" at the first person she saw, who happened to be Molly Prewett. 

Molly followed Sarah's every command without questioning, and soon they were dancing to a romantic song. Arthur Weasley glared at the two from across the room. Sarah tried to ignore him, but she couldn't take the pressure anymore and lost her hold on the Imperius Curse, after which much fighting, yelling, and running away from Aurors ensued.

Meanwhile, at the other corner of the room, Luna was dancing with Barty Crouch Jr. "Isn't it weird that even though we're in MWPP era, Harry's here with Lisemily?" Luna asked. "If I didn't know better, I'd say I was sucked into a game show in which the natural laws of the space-time continuum had been completely disregarded."

"That's exactly what happened, sweetie," Barty said. "You know what? From now on, this will be our song." Luna continued to observe her surroundings, her ice-colored eyes peacefully scanning for anything out of the ordinary.

"Where's Frank Longbottom and his girlfriend Alice?" she asked.

"Who cares?" Barty bluntly remarked, slamming Luna onto the table and snogging her passionately. The camera shifted its view to Harry and Lisemily, sitting under the table and plotting the downfall of the Death Eaters.

"Get away, creepy camera guy!" Lisemily hissed, putting her hand in the path of the lens's view. "My mum watches this!

Well, that was three contestants, but where was Kiera?

Not at the dance, of course. In fact, she wasn't even in the building. Sick of overused plot devices, Kiera had completely disregarded the day's challenge, electing instead to go on a torturing rampage with Fenrir Greyback and Bellatrix Lestrange in the Forbidden Forest. Frank and Alice were screaming in a grotesquely contorted mass on the ground as Fenrir ceased his Cruciatus curse. "My turn!" Bella announced. "Crucio!" The air was filled with fresh screams. The malicious trio cackled maniacally.

"You've been hogging the victims all night!" Kiera said. "It should have been my turn five minutes ago!"

"You're too inexperienced," Bellatrix explained, "They migh escape!"

"No they won't! _Crucio!_" Kiera directed her wand at the screaming victims as Bellatrix lifted her curse. They didn't writhe and twitch as much as before, but after years of practice, Kiera was proud to have finally mastered the curse. Or perhaps she was merely psychotic enough to pull it off.

"Nice one!" exclaimed Bellatrix. "If it weren't for your filthy blood and caffinated disposition, you'd make an adequate witch." Kiera poked joyfully at her victims, glad to be accepted among her favorite psychopaths.

The contestants all magically appeared to the roof of the Astronomy tower following the dance. "Ladies, for the use of a crack pairing, Luna has won immunity this round," Voldemort announced. Luna jumped up and down in jubilation: this show would not claim her life! Each Sue voted, and Voldemort withdrew the pieces of paper and set them down on the table one by one...

"First vote: Kiera. Next vote: Sarah. Next vote: Lisemily. And, the last vote--" Everyone inhaled sharply, for, as they gazed at the word written in a distinct and graceful penmanship, there could be only one explanation: the person whose name was on the paper had given her life in a gushy sacrifice to save her friends, and that person's name would haunt all who had witnessed the incredibly likely plot device:

_Lisemily Riddle._

Voldemort scowled, then looked at Kinachiana, who was fiddling with a scalpel in the corner and acting depressed. "Kinachiana, it's time to prove yourself," he said. "Throw your sister off the roof and you'll have earned my love. If she lives, I'll kill you right here on the spot."

Kinachiana's eyes welled up with tears, as did Lisemily's. "Just do it," Lisemily insisted. Kinachiana shook her head. "I'm making a gushy sacrifice for you, take it!"

"No," Kinachiana said, "You can't die. Then I'll have no one." Even a cut of the world dictatorship couldn't replace her sister. Voldemort's want was pointed at the sobbing girl's head.

"Chia, you have to promise me, that whatever you do, you won't become a sap like me," Lisemily begged as her final request. "Become the most vicious Dark Sue you can, and take over the world!"

Kinachiana sadly nodded, as Lisemily threw herself off the roof without screaming. "I won't disappoint you," Kinachiana whispered, narrowing her crimson eyes in utter hatred of her father. Without warning, she raised her wand and pointed it at Voldemort, uttering, "Crucio!" Kiera watched in amazement and admiration. Sarah and Luna just wept as Kinachiana yelled insults: they had lost a wonderful person and a friend. She would be avenged...somehow.

* * *

A/N: And that's how it makes sense with the sequel. There's one more challenge, and I'd like to have some reader input to decide the winner, so review! 


	9. Full Circle

**A/N: I don't own Harry Potter or Seinfeld. Well, shite, guys, I haven't updated in quite a while. I'll probably end up rewriting this, too, but it's a relief to finally have this over with.**

Kiera and Sarah were both puffy-eyed from crying, though Luna remained serenely silent. "She was a very nice girl," she reasoned, "But what is death but another door? I'm sure she's happier now."

"Shut the hell up before I run you through with my scalpel," Kinachiana shouted from the other side of the room. Being extremely Sueish, she was also crying, but her face was still looking pretty and she seemed tragically vulnerable. "I'll kill him one day...I'll kill him."

"Kill, kill, kill. That's all I've heard and thought all day. I want some flipping ramen," Kiera declarede, making her way to a closet and heating up some instant ramen with magic. Indeed, it was a depressing day, but it was also the day of the final contest, and it was said that it was sure that none of the final three would be dying. "So, anyone have any idea what we'll be doing today? Merlin, I can't believe I made it this far..." she was soon jumping on the couch.

"You're rambling," Sarah pointed out with exasperation, the mascara running down her face. Just then, an intercom-type voice rang through the school:

_"Will all Mary Sues involved in this season of Showdown please report to the Great Hall immediately. Thank you."_

Luna led the way down the corridor. "Something's not right," she declared. Sarah and Kiera owed it to her random Sue intuition,but didn't heed her warning, but Luna was more right than she ever would have imagined. Something definitely wasn't right. As the doors swung open, the girls were hit in the face with a cloud of smoke, and somehow the gas was resistant to amazing Mary Sue powers (not that the remaining three had very many), and all three blacked out.

* * *

"Wh-what's happening?" Sarah asked when she finally came to, realizing that she was strapped to a spiked and well-equipped chair for torture. Looking around, she realized her fellow contestants were similarly bound.

"The Ministry of Magic sees it fit to take control of this little show, and put an end to it," Dolores Umbridge said in her annoyingly high-pitched and sickly sweet voice, looking innocently at the Sues. "But first, it would be rather a crime not to have a little fun. So, why don't you girls tell me why you deserve to win _Showdown_?"

All three contestants were taken aback. Easy enough, right? Luna cleared her throat. "Well, although my opponents are clearly well suited for the position, they are miraculously out of tune with reality. A vote for me is a vote for protection against nargles and promotion of the survival of Crumple-Horned Snorlacks." She stared vaguely into space, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was in a torture chair.

Sarah was next. "How can I not win?" she asked rhetorically. "Okay, so I survived on sheer dumb luck. But that's a Sue characteristic. I'm a vampire, I'm...kind of pretty, I guess, and the other two contestants are crazy." She glanced apologetically towards Luna and Kiera. "If I don't win...I'm pretty sure the world will fall apart or something."

As soon as Sarah was finished, Kiera began to rant. "I love my phone machine," she said out of the blue. "I wish I was a phone machine. That way if I ran into someone on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could say...'Sorry, I'm not here right now...but if you could leave a message, I could walk away.' I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. With a regular phone, it's like, 'You can't talk to me like that, BAM!' On a cordless, it's 'You can't talk to me like that'..." she mimed the motion of pressing buttons. "I showed him."

Kiera then proceeded to rant about tan pants, but Umbridge had gotten bored and pressed a button, causing the spikes on the girls' chairs to move toward their bodies. "Let's let the real games begin, shall we, girls?" she grinned. "In each of your armrests is a key. Whoever opens it to free her comrades and lives will win, though opening the armrest sends a spike straight through your head..." she giggled girlishly as the Sues cringed in horror.

Each of the chairs began to contract with spikes, and as the Sues struggled, the process only began faster. Umbridge cackled obnoxiously. "Kiera," Sarah instructed, "I'll open the armrest, and as soon as I die, grab the key, free yourself, and then free Luna." Her expression was one of decidedness, a hard pessimism giving way to selfless sacrifice. At last, she'd found the meaning of life...

Kiera stared at her incredulously. "You can't do this," Kiera whispered, writhing in the chair. A long, cliched pause ensued, and finally, she said, "You're not making the stupid gushy sacrifice. It should be me, because I don't fully understand the situation and the consequences of my actions!" With that, she reached for the armrest...

Both of them turned as they realized that Luna was humming a slow waltz. Every Ministry personnel watched her in disbelief, singing when she was a foot from death, and much to their surprise, what should leap through the window but...

The Crumple-Horned Snorlack nuzzled against Luna's bleeding shin before popping the cap off of her armrest, allowing her access to the key. "Good boy," she said, rubbing its fuzzy head as she proceeded to unbind her fellow OCs. Kiera and Sarah cheered, Umbridge fainted, and Luna let out a great sigh.

"I think it's clear who's the winner," Kiera said, raising Luna's hand un in the air, which took some effort, because she was short.

"Congrats, Looney," Sarah chuckled, looking at the Snorlack apprehensively. Even Kinachiana applauded.

Voldemort, who had been chained in the back of the room, broke free in utter rage. "No!" he cried. "You were all meant to die! Don't you dolts read the fine print? And YOU!" he screamed, affixing his stare on Kinachiana. "Don't think you've gotten away so easily! You're weak! You're nothing! And if you don't grow some backbone, you're going to meet the same sticky end as your worthless sister. To think you actually think you can wrench the world from my grasp!" With a mad cackle, he Disapparated.

"Well, I guess that's that," Luna said. "And Chia...don't worry. All of this...it will have been for something. You might even rule the world someday." Kinachiana nodded and the Sues exchanged warm smiles as they each dissolved back to their proper stories, and Luna knew that it was not out of seer pity that she had offered those comforting words to Voldemort's daughter...

Months later, a new season of Mary Sue: The Ultimate Showdown aired. Luna herself had funded it as a way to help oung girls reach their full potential, and as the candidates were selected, some of them seemed to have more potential than others, particularly a garnet-eyed beauty at the Bitchwitch table...

Kinachiana smirked as she was picked. In that moment, she knew that her sister's death wouldn't have been in vain. Now the most brutal Dark Sue known to character-kind, she was ready to step through the door she was being offered...

* * *

A/N: Aaand, that's where we leave off, straight into the next one. Well, see you later. And pick up that flipping popcorn, you! Yes, I mean YOU!


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